RIDDLES

Why was the Tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing.
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What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.
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Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
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What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposed.
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Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
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How do you greet a 2-headed monster?
Hello, Hello.
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JOKES

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"
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3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
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A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
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Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
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There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."
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Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
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A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get so me. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, come s back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she scrams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"
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laugh out loud. its ALL so funny. lol.. enjoy :)